You Come To This Blog To Read Something And I Send You Somewhere To Read Something Else...

I know a lot of you have recommended this Goldman Sachs article by Matt Taibbi in Rolling Stone. I'd like to as well. It's long, but worth your time. I did a similar post about his AIG article. I can never really know if an article like this is 100% accurate, but I think it raises a lot of questions about how Goldman Sachs operates and how it benefits from having a number of former employees in influential government positions. Check it out.

Stop!...

Hammer Toe!

A Found Item That Amuses Me But I'm Not Really Sure Why...

Adorable, no?

Wangus...

These are Wangus beef cattle, a Japanese breed that is a cross between Wagyu and Angus cattle. I was surprised to learn that "wangus" was an official word and more than just slang for male reproductive anatomy. We (me and the guy I work with) use it architecturally as well, but as a verb. When a wall or roof or other architectural element is jutting into a space in an undesirable way, it is said to be "wangussing", i.e.: "That wall is wangussing out into the middle of the room." I'm not sure why I'm telling you all this, but I know if I don't, you'll get to this blog and be heartbroken to find that there's nothing new to read.

I'm Sorry, Richard. Please Calm Down...

I'm terribly sorry I missed your 61st birthday yesterday.
Oh, come on. Please don't make a scene.
I'll make it up to you. I swear.
How's about another sequined tank top?
Would that cheer you up?
I thought so.

Barely Interesting Some Guy Factoid: When I was a kid, I thought his name was "Richard Cinnamon".

Varsity Blues Reenactment...

My sister has my three-year-old niece repeating this line. It's hilarious. This is my interpretation. If you time it just right, you can play them simultaneously.

I Hereby Announce My Retirement From Competitive Bejeweled Blitz Playing...

(Video contains inappropriate language for work or kids.)

I know some of you play this game on Facebook. It is time for me to quit this bitch cold turkey, so I filmed my last game. I got sick of the sound effects a long time ago, but decided to turn them back on for the finale. I hate this miserable game. It's weird to watch it on video and see the obvious things I missed. I have no idea how some of you have scored above 150,000.

This Is One Of Those Posts Where The Picture Has Nothing To Do With The Text...

Occasionally I have a hard time finding a picture that captures what I'm trying to convey, but I still always like to include one with every post. In this case, I'm using one that Skyler's Dad sent me a while ago. He saw it and thought of me. I love it when people send me random shit like this. I can't guarantee it'll always end up on the blog, but you never know.

What I wanted to talk about was our new neighbors. I haven't had the pleasure of meeting them yet, but thanks to the fact that they spend a lot of time outside speaking loudly, I've learned a few things about them.

1. As far as I can tell, his name is "Fuck You!" and her name is "No, Fuck YOU!"
2. He is either allergic to belts or is extremely proud of his underwear and wants to display his pride for all the world to see.
3. She has people she can call at a moment's notice to pick up Mountain Dew, Marlboro Light 100s, and diapers that will swing by and drop them off for her.
   
4. His favorite pastimes appear to be pacing around his driveway, talking on his cell phone, and scratching his balls.
5. They are not afraid to steal their neighbor's firewood.
6. He has been heard on multiple occasions screaming "Wa-HOO!" during sexual intercourse.

My Brother...

That's him on the right and me on the left in case you were having trouble telling us apart. He came to visit over the Fourth. This was his first visit to Michigan in twelve years.

My brother and I haven't always gotten along. A lot of it probably had to do with lingering shit from our childhood. He tended to get in more trouble than I did and school never came as easy for him as it did for me. Plus, we had to share a room until I was a sophomore in high school which, as any of you who experienced it know, can only serve to heighten tension. No matter what, though, he could always make me laugh. He's lived in Los Angeles for the last ten years, so I only get to see him briefly when he's in Chicago for Christmas.

It was great having him here. It seemed like we were able to talk and laugh about stuff without any of the petty childhood crap getting in the way. We reminisced a lot about our growing-up years. He told me what it was like living at home while my parents were going through their divorce. I was in college at the time and didn't have to deal with it like he did. He told me all about working in film and all the bullshit that goes on. He's usually reluctant to talk about the famous people he works with, but he did tell me what it was like working with documentary director Errol Morris because he knows how much of a fan I am.

There was a time when I felt like any sort of meaningful relationship with my brother was never going to happen. I'm really glad I was wrong.

Where The Hell Have I Been!?...

It's been a while since I went a whole week without posting anything. At this point, my Google Reader cache is overwhelmingly full, so I am going to go through it and empty it without reading many of your brilliant entries. Could you all do me a favor and do a summary - no more than ten words - of your posts during the last seven days? Thanks!

A Video Cavalcade Of Stupidity!...

So, it started with me wanting to make one of my riveting videos. It's about a make-believe towel phobia I have:



I know how much you all enjoy the outtakes, so I'm including the first take:



Then, I was interested to see the master in quarter-time:



This is some stray footage of a lame toad in our garden that was accidentally uploaded with the other shit:



There. That should keep you vultures satisfied for a little while at least.

Another Word I Like...

Gorgonzola

Although I'm torn because
I'm not sure if,
rather than pronouncing it
gor-gun-ZOH-lah,
it wouldn't sound
better as
gor-GAHN-zoh-luh.

Finally Something To Trump All The Jacko Death Coverage...

Billy Mays
Pitchman extraordinaire
July 20, 1958 - June 28, 2009
Rest in peace.

I Was Wondering If There Was A George Carlin Documentary In The Works...

As I've said many times on this blog, George Carlin was a personal hero to me. If someone were to ask me the classic question if I could invite anyone to dinner - living or dead - who would it be, he would be one of my first choices. I still love it when one of his tracks pops up in an iTunes shuffle, even though I've heard it a million times. He is another person I could listen to for hours. I did a Google search to see if there was any sort of documentary about his life being made. One of the first things to come up was this lengthy interview he gave the Archive of American Television in 2007. It is in seven parts and basically covers his life from start to finish. A lot it contains stuff he talked about in his act, but there was a lot of stuff that was new to me. I know not many of you will watch the entire thing (it's a little over 3 hours), but if you're a die-hard fan like me, you will love it. I am posting it in its entirety:

Please Ignore This Post Unless You Were A Fan Of The Chicago Bears During The 1980s...

...OR you like to watch a drunk Mike Ditka. It's nine minutes and forty-eight seconds of disheveled goodness.

Like A Pig In Shit...

For a long time I've tried to put my finger on just why it is I like documentary films so much. I think there are many reasons. For one, documentaries are all about asking questions and we all know what a big fan I am of questions. I'm also a big fan of the underdog. Documentaries often focus on underdogs - people whose voices aren't often heard in the mainstream media. The films themselves are really the underdogs of the world of cinema. There are very few docs that receive a lot of attention or make a lot of money. Documentaries have exposed me to so many new and interesting things. Like one of the women in the video says, documentaries "have the power to make you empathize with things you never really knew you could empathize with."

I recently discovered an interactive website with 163 interview clips of 38 documentary filmmakers, including some of my favorites like Errol Morris, Werner Herzog, and Albert Maysles, discussing a wide range of topics. Apparently there is also a movie - a documentary about documentaries - which is not yet available on Netflix. I know this probably isn't as interesting to all of you as it is to me, but I can listen to these people talk all day. If this sort of thing interests you as well, you'll really want to spend some time exploring this site.

It's Been One Year...

...since I wrote this post about the one year anniversary of my darling Megan coming to live with me. For those of you who don't know, we met right here in the blogosphere way back in the summer of aught six. Megan is far too busy these days taking care of me to spend much time blogging, apart from her cooking blog, so you can blame me for her absence. Looking back at that last post, not too much has changed. We are still very much in love. I still find creative ways to annoy her, as many of my posts have detailed. I have been able to cut out my O'Reilly habit, thank god, and can say I don't miss him in the least.

Anyway, tonight we will toast two years with a champagne picnic on the beach. I love you, Megplant, and thank you again for taking a chance and coming to live with me in a "middle state" like Michigan.

She Sure Does...

This was found while doing an image search for "fish testicles", part of another post I was contemplating. It would appear this young lady does not have the same feelings towards, say, cheeseburgers.

One Of My Favorite Blogs...

In case you're one of the few people out there who still doesn't know about Sexy People, go spend some time and check it out. It's wonderful. Before you say you have too many blogs to read already, don't fear. There is nothing to read. Just wonderful pictures of everyday people like you, me, and this guy - free of commentary. Some might think it's mean, but I think it celebrates the dork in all of us. In fact, many of the pics are submitted by the subjects themselves.

Dreaming Of Cardboard...

Dreams for me are like playing a slot machine. Sometimes I pull the lever and get triple cherries. Other times, I get a seven, a kumquat, and a turd. Last night's was the latter. Now the trick will be whether I can present it in some sort of amusing way. You'll have to be the judge. I am not embellishing it in any way:

The dream started out with me walking into a big, Home Depot-type store. The name of the store was "The Cardboard Store" and was filled with nothing but shit made out of cardboard. I can even remember their corporate logo (a green square with yellow lettering that read "The Cardboard Store"). I had never been in this store before and had a list of questions about their inventory. I made my way to the customer service desk and had a seat in front of a woman who was talking on the phone. It was clear that her conversation was of a personal nature and had nothing to do with cardboard sales. I waited until she got off the phone, but once she did, she ignored me, got up and walked away.

I was starting to get a little frustrated. A line of people had formed behind me as we waited for someone to answer our questions. Eventually, a guy showed up (I'm pretty sure it was actor Idris Elba) and stood behind the desk. The girl in line behind me started to ask a question, so I turned around and gave her the stink eye. I passive-aggressively asked, "Excuse me, is there a line here?" She gave me a "fuck you" look, but shut up. Finally, Idris asked if he could help me.

"Yes, I have a list of questions regarding your product line. First, do you carry randomly-sized cardboard boxes?"

"I couldn't tell you."

"What do you mean you couldn't tell me?"

"I couldn't tell you."

"You mean you are forbidden to tell me or you don't know?"

"I don't know."

"You don't know what products you carry?"

"Not really."

"Well, it would seem to me the first thing a customer service rep should know is what sorts of products your business carries."

"Hey, what can I tell you?" he said in a dismissive way as he busied himself looking through random file cabinets only half-paying attention to me.

"Is there any way you could find out?"

"Nope."

"So am I just supposed to aimlessly wander your store looking for this product?"

"I guess so."

At this point I was starting to wake up because our pain-in-the-ass cats started making a racket, so I don't know how it would've ended. Your guess is as good as mine. The weird this is that I never ask where stuff is when I go to stores like these. I always just wander aimlessly until I find what I'm looking for. If I can't find it, I assume they don't have it and leave.

Documentary Film Of The Day: The Emperor's Naked Army Marches On...

I found out about this one after watching THIS VIDEO in which Errol Morris describes his five favorite films (sort of). Errol Morris is one of my favorite documentary filmmakers. He may even be my favorite filmmaker, period, so when he says he likes something, you can bet I'm gonna check it out. The Emperor's Naked Army Marches On (or Yuki Yukite Shingun) follows Kenzo Okuzaki, a 62-year-old Japanese World War II veteran, activist, and former convict. He is trying to track down five fellow veterans who were involved in the execution of two Japanese soldiers at the end of the war while stationed in New Guinea. The explanation for their execution is unclear and may have involved cannibalism. His goal is to get those involved to tell the truth about what really happened so that people can learn the horrors of war in the hope that it may prevent war in the future. Kenzo often resorts to deception and odd physical violence in his interrogations, creating a lot of contradictions between what he advocates and the methods he employs. If you can handle subtitles and are in the mood for something jarringly different, this one is for you.

Netflix it HERE.
Read more HERE.

I'm Waving My Dick In The Wind...

Warning: Inappropriate language for the workplace and/or in front of children.

Covers...

I wonder why there are plenty of cover bands
but never any cover comedians.



On second thought, there is Carlos Mencia.

I Love Mowing The Lawn...

Naming Afflictions...

Irritable Bowel Syndrome (or IBS) was first referenced in the Rocky Mountain Medical Journal in 1950. However, at the time there was some debate over what to call this condition. A few of the other names suggested included:

• Cantankerous Colon Syndrome
  
• Surly Intestine Syndrome
  
• Annoyed Rectum Syndrome
  
• Quick-Tempered Anus Syndrome
  
• Easily Offended Abdomen Syndrome
  
• Ticked-Off Torso Syndrome
• Grumpy Gut Syndrome
  
• Perturbed Poop-Chute Syndrome